Recently there have been several doctor visits that have brought nothing but stress.  Do I start a new treatment?  What about the chemicals they will use, are they going to cause other problems down the road?  will they effect the environment?  is it worth it to bankrupt my family?  is the maybe being offered worth the emotional toll on my Asperger's teen?  could this be going too far?  I have made my decision.  And from a Guardian's standpoint it is the right one.

I fired my Dr's, all of them.  I have been trying to trust completely in western medicine and am finding that it is no better for me than gardening, watching Masterpiece Theater, and cheering on my team at the Super Bowl(yay Giants).  These things bring me joy and allow my body to decide if it is going to heal or not.  I undertand that chemo has given me extra years.  And I am grateful it was available to me.  It has also brought me severe kidney damage, joint pain that leaves me in the fetal position crying, a weak heart, damage to my eyes, damage to my hearing, and a feeling of guilt over the financial drain it was to my family.  Our particular insurance company did not believe that pain medications were necessary.  My body did, and they are expensive. 

The part of the Guardian in all this is to look at the situation and weigh the cost against the gain.  As a Guardian Grandmother I find that the cost is too high, the gains not really all that I thought they would be.  As my body tries to recover from the assault of chemotherapy and steroids, I find that I hurt worse now than when I was sick.  I spend more time on the couch than playing.  I am too tired to hold down a full time job.  My body image has declined to the point of being depressing.  And I am considered healed.  Save me from that!

As an example to my children and grandchildren I have turned to the universal spirit for answers.  Within my belief system I have asked for healing and understanding.  I am guarding the right to deny access to my body.  I am guarding the right to allow healing to be gentle and noninvasive.  I am guarding the right of a middle aged woman to intelligently weigh information.  I am guarding the right of family to lift a member up for consideration. 

How much is too much?  When the treatment leaves you in financial and physical agony, and offers only a maybe for the next five years, I find it too much.  I am making these statements from the viewpoint of an adult only.  When it comes to children and treatment, I cannot say that I would be able to stop until there was not even a guess left.  For myself enough is enough and too much is too much.