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As I Learn: How much is too much?

February 7, 2008 - 2:02pm — dreamcatcher

Recently there have been several doctor visits that have brought nothing but stress. Do I start a new treatment? What about the chemicals they will use, are they going to cause other problems down the road? will they effect the environment? is it worth it to bankrupt my family? is the maybe being offered worth the emotional toll on my Asperger's teen? could this be going too far? I have made my decision. And from a Guardian's standpoint it is the right one.

I fired my Dr's, all of them. I have been trying to trust completely in western medicine and am finding that it is no better for me than gardening, watching Masterpiece Theater, and cheering on my team at the Super Bowl(yay Giants). These things bring me joy and allow my body to decide if it is going to heal or not. I undertand that chemo has given me extra years. And I am grateful it was available to me. It has also brought me severe kidney damage, joint pain that leaves me in the fetal position crying, a weak heart, damage to my eyes, damage to my hearing, and a feeling of guilt over the financial drain it was to my family. Our particular insurance company did not believe that pain medications were necessary. My body did, and they are expensive.

The part of the Guardian in all this is to look at the situation and weigh the cost against the gain. As a Guardian Grandmother I find that the cost is too high, the gains not really all that I thought they would be. As my body tries to recover from the assault of chemotherapy and steroids, I find that I hurt worse now than when I was sick. I spend more time on the couch than playing. I am too tired to hold down a full time job. My body image has declined to the point of being depressing. And I am considered healed. Save me from that!

As an example to my children and grandchildren I have turned to the universal spirit for answers. Within my belief system I have asked for healing and understanding. I am guarding the right to deny access to my body. I am guarding the right to allow healing to be gentle and noninvasive. I am guarding the right of a middle aged woman to intelligently weigh information. I am guarding the right of family to lift a member up for consideration.

How much is too much? When the treatment leaves you in financial and physical agony, and offers only a maybe for the next five years, I find it too much. I am making these statements from the viewpoint of an adult only. When it comes to children and treatment, I cannot say that I would be able to stop until there was not even a guess left. For myself enough is enough and too much is too much.

As I Learn: Grandmothers can be Guardians

November 13, 2007 - 8:39am — dreamcatcher

The Guardian Grandmother

I am a Guardian, a story in itself. But what I am guarding, now that is a story that will take decades to tell. Unemployed, in ill health, financially challenged, I have been called. I had only dreamed of what I could do, and upon waking was certain that I had little to offer this planet and Her children. Until one of them called me by name, and I could not refuse. She used my secret guardian code name, Grammie, and was specific about her needs, "I want to come live with you." And the story picks up where it left off three months ago. Miss Pickles is here to help me learn just how much an unemployed grandmother can bring to the guardianship circle.

As I learn: how much could it cost?

October 3, 2007 - 7:36pm — dreamcatcher

I sat down the other evening with my trusty pencil and scrap paper. I had been asked if I wanted to go out for dinner and I wanted to know what dinner actually cost. We ate pb&j sandwiches while I did my figuring. Yes I have a patient husband. First it would cost me at least 2 dollars to wash and dry the clothes we would wear to go out. Another 2 dollars for gas(precious fossil fuel) to get there and home again. Say 20 dollars for food, half of which would be put in a styrofoam container (booo hisss) for me to throw out later. Maybe 3 dollars for a tip, I am such a cheapskate.

But it went deeper than that- the cost to the environment was just too much for me to bear. Silly? No. the use of fossil fuels to ship the nutritionally challenged food to the restaurant. The waste of the food when I cannot eat all on my plate. The nutrition deficit to my body due to all the white carbs restaurants use as filler. The use of fossil fuels for my waitperson to get there. The use of electricity to run the restaurant. The massive use of water in the dishwasher to clean my plate and glass and silverware.

It doesn't end at the restaurant either.

As I learn: community could save us

October 3, 2007 - 4:39pm — dreamcatcher

I was talking with a friend and I told her that I felt today's dying sense of community contributes greatly to environmental peril. I said this because I remember the good old days when I knew my neighbor's name and they were comfortable with that. We would call each other when headed to the store, offering either a ride or to pick up what was needed. If one of us was ill, the other would cook dinner that night. If one of my father's kids was being punished it meant using a push mower(no motor) to cut the grass; and the neighbor's grass, also. Boy did we behave better after a week of that! None of us dropped dead from the physical exertion, nor do we claim any psychological damage. Not from the mowing anyway. Now the time he wrapped a curtain around his neck and shot the neighbor's cement deer......Anyway.

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